|  Author | Topic: A clipette from my book. (Read 24 times) |
Lews Therin Telamon
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|  | A clipette from my book.
« Thread Started on Jan 24, 2004, 6:07pm » | ![[Quote]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif) |
What you all think? i gto up to 100 pages now. if you want more ask. comments please:
The assassin continued on his pre-set path through the castle, winding his way through the complicated hallways of the grand Southern castle. As he was reaching the sleeping chambers, a guard approached him and started to speak “Excuse me you may not access these areas, they are off-limits to all. What is you’re du…….” The guard’s standard speech was cut short, by an uppercut from the one of the dark clothed man’s snake headed blades. The unsuspecting guard flew unnaturally backwards until the corridor wall halted his rapid accent. Hearing the loud, wet thump, guards appeared from all around the assassin, coming out from the many doors around his position.
“Halt” called the obvious leader, “We will be forced to strike you down if you continue moving.”
The cloaked figure continued walking, ignoring the leader’s threats.
“Sir……Stop now!”
Th assassin continued straight for the leader.
“You have forced me to take action. Attack!” yelled the trembling leader.
The assassin raised both blades, and easily fought off the approaching guards. When he reached the leader, he sheathed one sword and continued to fight off the forthcoming guards with his left hand. He thrust out his right hand, palm forward, and the leader flew backwards, skidding down the hall, knocking over a suit of armour. Twisting his hand round, the assassin grasped the air in front of him and the sword from the fallen suit of armour rose up into the air, as if held by a magical hand. He lifted his hand and the sword rose simultaneously. Plunging his hand downwards, he impaled the leader on the floating sword. Releasing his grasp, the sword fell to the floor.
The guards stood in amazement as they saw their leader stabbed by a floating sword. Sheathing his blood soaked blade, the black-clad man turned to the surviving guards and waved his hands in front of him. Suddenly all of the attacking guards froze in mid-air, unable to move.
Ignoring the stationary guards, the assassin continued on down the hallway. After about two high-bells, the black clothed man reached a door surmounted by a crown shaped crest. He tried the handle, but the door had been locked from the inside. The first sign of security in this castle, he thought to himself. Not enough to stop him though. This was his hit, and no locks or beasts could prevent him from accomplishing this feat. Drawing his swords, Drough Malach’ engraved a circle onto the crowned door. Then he scratched a diagonal line towards the centre and another from the centre back out of the circle. On the tip of each line he traced an arrowhead. He stood back and admired his handiwork. He held his two snake-headed swords crossed infront of him and pushed them towards the door.
* * *
King Fador of Butricia woke with a start. Hearing a large crash, he looked towards the hole in his wall where a door had previously been. Standing in the doorway, was a figure in a black cloak, holding two short swords in a crossed position, at his feet, the expensive mahogany door. His head pounding, he decided to pretend to be asleep, as not to alert the figure in the doorway. Slowly reaching with one hand, Fador grabbed Firebite from his bedside table and pulled it under his satin sheets. Unsheathing the sword he could see a faint glow from beneath the covers, so he quickly slid it back into its scabbard. Had that quick lapse alerted the attacker? Fador lay absolutely still and readied his hand on his sword. The doorway figure entered the room, shifting one of his short swords round in his hands so it was held like a long dagger. It walked over to the side of his bed, and lifted the shiny blade high in the air, ready to strike. Just before the descending blade could pierce his body, Fador rolled over and drew Firebite. The flaming sword lit up the whole room and now Fador could see his attacker clearly. He was wearing a long, black cloak, covering up a black chainmail vest. The man’s legs were yet again clothed in a black fabric and his head was hidden beneath the cloak’s hood. The king rolled out of his bed and into a defensive fighting stance. Wearing no armour he knew a strike to the chest or head would be fatal. Then he heard it speak in a hissing tone:
“It is futile…to resist me. You will die and I will persevere.”
“Who are you and what is your business here?” asked Fador in a shaky voice.
“My name is of no importance… Zm neuggbogg ug maef qoihgt raf U qa htug higw raf zm ecf*gix rfaz Cfubo he Wubs” Hissed the assassin, in an ancient language, leaping over the bed to face Fador. As he struck with both blades at once, Fador jumped to the side. Striking his own sword down onto the attacker’s back, Fador ran across to the other side of the room. Levelling his sword at the assassin’s body, Fador let loose a burst of flame from his sword’s tip. The black cloaked man held out his sword, at an arm’s length from his body and the approaching fireball halted, fizzed and disappeared.
“Magic?” whispered Fador to no one in particular.
“Of course your Highness” the attacker smirked and jumped through the air, flipping and landing next to the king. The clash of metal upon metal was overwhelming, and soon Fador grew weak and tired. It was when he saw this in the king’s eyes that the attacker felt the sweet taste of victory in his mouth. Spittle flying from his mouth, the attacker crossed his swords once again and made the same pushing motion, making Fador fly back onto his bed, his deathbed.
Flicking one sword into a dagger-hold, Drough Malach’ flipped through the air and landed on the bed, his legs either side of the king’s body, with the dagger posed sword high above Fador’s head and his other hand, bent up behind his back. Fador could now see the assassin’s face. He had jet black, curly hair, and deep red eyes. Inside the frothing mouth, Fador was sure he had caught sight of two bone white fangs. And then he saw the distinguishing mark, and realised who his attacker was.
Upon the assassin's forehead was a circle, with two diagonal lines, entering and leaving the centre of the circle, with arrow heads on each one.
“You’re an Arac…” his cry was cut short by the gleaming silver dagger-sword plunging into the back of his mouth.
* * *
Drough Malach’ smiled as he punched his sword through the king’s wide-open mouth. The pleasure ran through his body and made him feel ecstatic. Wiping his own mouth, he drew the sword from the king’s orifice and changed his grip. He now lifted the two swords out on each side, and swept them across his body meeting at the king’s motionless head, and continuing straight through the flesh of Fador’s neck finishing on the opposite side of the assassin’s body. The head of once king Fador rolled onto the floor with a wet thump.
Stepping down from the bed, Drough Malach’ sheathed one of his swords, and with the other engraved on Fador’s decapitated head, the same symbol on the door and on his own forehead. The symbol of the Arachen.
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Amira Coriande
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| | Re: A clipette from my book.
« Reply #1 on Jan 24, 2004, 8:01pm » | |
Wow, that's really good Lews ^^
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Lews Therin Telamon
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| | Re: A clipette from my book.
« Reply #2 on Jan 25, 2004, 5:25am » | |
you honestly think so? there are still errors in it because my book is only in draft stage. I think that that bit is probably the best part of the book.
Im makign a forum for my book, a roleplay one like here so I'll let you know when I'm done.
Thank you so much
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Lews Therin Telamon
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gareis
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| | Re: A clipette from my book.
« Reply #4 on Jan 30, 2004, 2:56pm » | |
It isn't up to professional grade yet, but a lot gets published that isn't good enough.
First, grammar! I know that it's more important to get your thoughts down at this stage and correct them later, but you'll have to fix it eventually. (I'm anal-retentive about grammar; I never make a mistake. I would prefer to have my inspiration flow more freely than to have impeccable grammar, though.)
Second, show, don't tell. The guards were amazed, yes, but it's much better to say that they froze with lofted weapons than to say they stared amazed. I don't know why, but it is.
Third, what's most important? The characters and what they do. Make sure that they're realistic and consistent. The guard commander, for instance, would probably attack instantly after his subordinate was knocked into a wall. Or perhaps he isn't that brave and therefore hangs back until the assassin steps up and kills him. And why did the assassin pause between assaulting the first guard and killing the commander? Dramatic tension?
I would have found a different way to reveal the assassin's name, probably through dialogue, but I have a philosophy of minimal narration.
"Zm neuggbogg ug maef qoihgt raf U qa htug higw raf zm ecf*gix rfaz Cfubo he Wubs"
That looks like randomly typed gibberish. Have you considered inventing a language? At the least, use English (or another language you speak well) and replace vowel with vowel, consonant with consonant, being sure to treat digraphs (such as ph or sh) as one letter. But what was the assassin trying to say?
I would have described more of the fight with the king--since it's more important--than with the guards. And if the king uses magic, why does he say "Magic?" Wouldn't he instead remark on an assassin using magic rather than an assassin using magic?
Last thing: be precise with your words. When you said "The pleasure ran through his body and made him feel ecstatic", it makes it sound like the assassin started jumping for joy. Try "filled him with ecstasy".
Overall, pretty good. I'd like to know more about the plot and whether the magic is at all defined (though not explained like Star Trek would try; more like telling how magic feels and seems to those who use it, as Modesitt does). Without that, I can't offer any more advice, except to say that I once wrote a 58-page novella without a plot.
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Lews Therin Telamon
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| | Re: A clipette from my book.
« Reply #5 on Jan 30, 2004, 3:11pm » | |
magic is a rare thing in the world of my book, the king has magic because his blade is magic. thanks for the hint
the language isusgina code generator i made. constanants change with others and so do vowels. i will have to come up with ssomething better later but this is jsut teh first bit.
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